Three ways to get someone to really listen to you – Stop Wasting Your Time!
Why won’t he listen to me? I can talk ‘till I’m blue in the face and he never seems to get it? Sound familiar? I’ve been on both sides of this conversation. What I find most often is that people don’t listen when they are flooded – overwhelmed, angry, or even turned on. When someone is in that flooded place they do not think clearly and they do not listen carefully – they feel threatened and they instinctually prepare for fight of flight. In my previous article on the rules of engagement for timeouts I talk about when your heart rate gets above 100 beats per minute your prefrontal cortex starts to shut down. It is this part of the brain that is responsible for rational thought. When it drops out from being flooded, AD/HD, drugs or alcohol we all will say and do things we wish we hadn’t. Come on… I know it is not just me! Okay so avoiding this place of flooded is key to successful conversations. You need to stay out of the flood zone. On way to do this is to gently bring issues up – instead of blasting out decrees. Guys generally do not see a conversation as a problem solving opportunity – more often we see it as a time for you to second guess us. If either person is overwhelmed consider a time out so that you can come back calm and ready to talk and listen.
Consider the following: woman comes in and says, “we’re going to Disneyland for our vacation!” the guy replies I was planning to take everyone to Fish Lake, Utah this year. From there imagine a battle roaring off from there. Now if the conversation started, “what ideas do you have for our vacation?” We are off to a better start already – because we are asking for information we have declared the desire to discuss not impose our agenda. Staying calm, asking questions, proposing our own ideas tentatively for discussion not written in stone goes a long way in general. You want to soften your conversation startup and both announce and reiterate that this is a discussion with the goal of finding a mutually beneficial outcome. Always think win-win. If a discussion appears to be a win-lose it is most likely really a lose-lose because it will come back to haunt you.
Okay, some people need help in diverting their attention – kids and adults sometimes need to be touched (say on the shoulder) they will stop what they are doing and look at you – here is your chance! If you just talk to them while they are playing a video game or reading a book you very likely do not have their attention. This goes for talking on the phone to someone. If you want to talk to someone on the phone and really know they are listening to you consider the following: where are they when you called – are they at work focused on other issues?, are they driving?, are they rushing to do something else?, are they in the middle of doing anything else? If they are this may not be the time to talk to them. My wife used to call me at work and she was a master at detecting that I was focused on something else. I thought I had just split my attention but I really wasn’t listening to her carefully. I would turn off my computer monitor or turn away from the papers on my desk. It was kind of like resetting the computer – now I was focused on what she said. I wasn’t trying to ignore her but I was definitely focused on something else. This awareness that it is not a good time is vital. Sometimes you can get the other person to tune-in to you but often you will need to make sure they are really listening or try at a time when they can focus.
Let’s recap the main ideas here. People don’t listen well when they are distracted or overwhelmed/ flooded. Announcing a conversation (as opposed to a confrontation) and using softer language that clearly is looking for ideas goes a long way to keeping people from getting overwhelmed. Some people need to be physically touched to break their attention from what they are doing so that they can really hear you. Over the phone make sure that the person is really listening and be sensitive to the fact that they may be totally absorbed in what they are doing and really can’t listen adequately now.
Tags:Mental Health,Relationship
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Great article! Thank you!
Hi and thank you for commenting on my blog. Your article has some great points… especially staying calm.
One of the things I really find frustrating is I’ll start saying something & my teenager cuts me off and says I know what you’re going to say..(which is not always the case)
When I’m speaking to someone I always look them in the eye. It drives me crazy when you’re talking to someone & they’re looking everywhere else except at you.
If you are not giving your full attention you are only hearing part of their conversation and of course not getting the full story…and of course there is the ‘selective hearing’ syndrome.
Gaida´s last blog ..Positive Attitude Brings Many Rewards To Your Life
Thanks for sharing this great information.
Gaida,
Thank you very much for your input and comments. Getting cut off is frustrating at best… implementing my turn your turn can help (no interruptions while one is speaking.
Watch when people look away or close their eyes when you are talking this is often a sign that they are getting overwhelmed and their brain is shutting off – time for a time out. Also it can be a cultural thing – it is considered impolite in some cultures to make eye contact or there are a variety of rules concerning it.
You are absolutely right about watching – the words we say are only 7% of the message conveyed face to face the rest is tone and body language – sometimes my tone and body language tips the other person off that I am upset and I am not conscious of it – awareness of the importance of tone and body language goes a long way on both sides of a conversation to keep it civil.