How to say anything to anyone
I have worked with some pretty rough characters – time in prison, addicts, even murders. I sometimes have to say things to people that they don’t want to hear. I have said things to people who might have killed me in return for my words – but they didn’t. I want to share with you how to say anything to anyone and have them hear you – really hear you. You know that is when the person takes it in and considers it deep in their very soul – not just hear the words and they are gone like last night’s table scraps.
Very important to this is when you tell the other person. That is what their state of mind is. If they or you is flooded, overwhelmed, angry, frustrated or the like – it is not the time to deliver a hard message. See my other article on the Rules of Engagement for time-outs for the background and rules themselves. You also want to make sure that you have the person’s attention. Make sure that they are not distracted by something else.
In my counseling practice one thing I try to so is really listen to the person I am counseling and try to understand them, how they got to where they are, who they are. I accept and respond to whatever they say – not challenging them or arguing with them – after all it is their life! I feel this earns me the right to speak into the other person’s life. They know that I care. They know that I have their best interests at heart. My clients know that I love them. That can be a lifetime job for some but for me it is pretty easy, probably a personality thing. People know I am genuine. However even if you haven’t had the chance or been unable to develop this with the person you are about to address with a difficult issue you can still be successful if you can do the next two things.
First you must show genuine concern for the person that you are speaking to and second you must communicate compassion for and to them.
Let me give you an example. Consider a father who is loud, gruff and stern with his children. He talks to them like he might another man at a bar even though the children are on 5 and 10 years old. His harsh words and tone has the children in fear. He is breaking their spirit. This is a guy that everyone is afraid of – maybe even me. I need to tell him to stop treating his children so abusively. I would say…
Phil I know that you love your children, they are wonderful kids, but I can see that your harshness with them is damaging your relationship with not only them but perhaps men in general (concern for him and his children). I am afraid that you are driving them away from you, I’m afraid you are teaching them to be obedient in your presence and hellions when they are out of your sight or worse that they become like trained flees unable to reach their potential because they are afraid to try something new. Phil I know your heart, I know you care, I know you are doing what you think is best for them but from what I can see it is driving a wedge between you and them and making them fear you instead of love and respect you.
At this point there are generally tears, acknowledgement that the person kind of knew that or total surprise that how they were acting could be taken so different from what they intended. We will have a deep meaningful conversation and they will start to change. I have never had someone flare up at me, vent anger at me, or even get mildly upset when I have done this. It is nothing short of miraculous. It works because it validates them as a worthwhile human being and helps them see how it will affect them in the future as well as affecting others in the present.
That’s it, plain and simple – not always ease though. Let me know what you think, what questions that you have and perhaps in addition to answering you I will extend this article to make it better.
James L Hendrix is a marriage & family therapist specializing in helping people get their life back from drugs, alcohol, mental health issues, emotional issues and relationship issues. He is especially good with clients and their families who struggle with such issues – getting the right help and helping all involved understand the issues. He can be reached at Jim@AdvancedRelationshipTraining.com . Or visit http://www.AdvancedRelationshipTraining.com .
Tags:communication,compassion,Conflict,Relationship,resolution
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