How do you know what they feel as loving? Stop Wasting your Time!
Perhaps you have seen the movie where there are two people running through a field of flowers. In slow motion they run arms outstretched to embrace in a loving embrace. They meet and the camera pans around them – romantic and beautiful. So why is it that when you try to show your love that you run right past each other in that field of flowers – you miss?
We all know that everyone is different, right? We do things for our own reasons, we think our own thoughts and we privately wish that everyone else in the world was just like us so that the world would make some sense. Okay, maybe not. But we do live and become frustrated because we expect people to do things for the same reasons we do and not do things for the reasons we don’t. We show love and expect it to be taken as such and we give an apology believing the other person will see our deep sincerity. Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! Danger! Danger! Warning! People are different – we know it but we don’t live like it is true.
The very first couple I ever saw in counseling had been married forever, poor forever and struggling forever. His love language was “gifts” okay so it was really electronic gadgets but he knew his wife would not go for the latest smart phone (okay, PDA back then). He bought his beautify wife a pair of diamond ear rings for her birthday. Sounds so sweet doesn’t it – all you gift people! It made her ANGRY! They couldn’t afford them, she didn’t want them and all she really wanted was for him to clean out the gutters on the house! Can you see the problem here? He gave gifts because that is how he felt loved. She felt loved through acts of service. He literally wasted his time money and effort and had the complete opposite effect from what he wanted to show her.
People, learn how your partner feels loved. If it is quality time make sure you know what that means. Guys, it probably doesn’t mean sitting on the couch watching a game! It might but more likely sitting and cuddling and talking about life, hopes, dreams or who’s turn it is to do the grocery shopping. It doesn’t matter if it is showing love, affection, support, regret, protection, concern or any of a thousand other things. You have to know how your partner feels “_____” and give them that instead of how you feel “______”. Stop wasting your time, energy, effort and money and start making real deposits into their love bank.
I highly recommend Gary Chapman’s books on “The Five Love Languages” if you are coming up short on what your spouse, child or friend might feel as loving. Gary also stepped out to the languages of Apology but for years I have generalized this concept. People are different understand what they want and give them that – the way they want it – and stop wasting your time!
When you are working on this feel free to drop me an e-mail and I will be willing to give you some help for free. I look forward to hearing from you.
Tags:affection,apology,caring,communication,love,protection
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