Balancing Anger and Frustration?
Balance is something we all strive for but usually sabotage every single day. It would be so much easier if we were back in Kindergarten sitting on one end of the teeter-totter – there we could balance or practice give and take with another child. Of course there were the kids that would jump off when we were high in the air…. But life is more like juggling than balancing, isn’t it? We have to keep several balls in the air at the same time. We have work or school, kids or parents or both, friends, church commitments, maybe community commitments, a spouse or special friend, finances, exercise, nutrition, and time – just to name a few. And as we go through life people keep throwing new balls into our hands. Oh sure, anyone can juggle one ball and most of us can sort of handle two, but if someone throws a third ball in there most of us will drop all the balls. You can learn to juggle more balls if you spend time with a juggling teacher – at the Renaissance Fair they usually have someone that will spend the day with you and teach you how to juggle. We can all learn to juggle more balls but we all have our limits too.
Let’s focus in on just one area to balance for a few minutes. Let’s focus on balancing the emotions of anger/frustration. But that is only one end of the spectrum, you say? Well anger and frustration are natural God given emotions – emotions that the Bible clearly attributes to God in the Old Testament and to Jesus in the New Testament. Anger and frustration are acceptable emotions – it is what you do with them – it is how you deal with them – it is how you balance them.
There are two extremes of anger and frustration. The first is the reactive, abusive, sometimes violent acting out of the emotion. The second is the stuffing of the feelings away hoping that they never come back up – it is saying, “oh, its not that big a deal”. But like throwing rocks into a backpack – eventually you have so many in there that you collapse under the strain – depression, illness, hopelessness. Or if you have ever seen the movie “Gremlins” where there is a creature called a Maguey that is like a cute cuddly teddy bear and as long as you take care of it like a frustrating or angering situation it is no problem. But take a couple of them and throw them into a cold damp basement and let them feed anytime they like and the next time you open the door to throw one of those cuddly Maguey into the basement an evil hoard of vicious gremlins overwhelms you and wreaks havoc on everything and every one it their path – in your path.
Neither of these extremes is healthy. Neither of them represents balance. So what can you do to balance these emotions?
First, there is a physiological response to any strong emotion be it anger or excitement. Your heart rate goes up, your blood pressure goes up and a whole host of hormones are released into your system getting you ready to fight or flee or procreate. When this happens if you let your heart rate get above about a hundred beats per minute the thinking part of your brain literally shuts off. You loose the ability to think rationally. Have you ever done or said something you wish you hadn’t? That is why. Getting out of control angry or frustrated or any other extreme emotion is a result of loosing the capacity to think rationally! “Okay, so how do I keep that from happening again?”, you ask. Well, the answer is straight forward but far from simple. You have to learn when your mind and body start getting overwhelmed. This is best done by learning what it feels like to be relaxed and then practicing this so that you know when you are getting close. You then can learn to modify a tensed body by relaxing on purpose giving yourself more distance between overwhelmed and peaceful. Prayer works well for some people as well as relaxing exercises (in fact good old fashion exercise also gives you more distance as well).
“Okay that is all well and good but what about when I am getting overwhelmed in the moment?” Here the key is to learn to take time-outs and the rules of engagement for time outs
What do you do when you are overwhelmed or flooded with emotion?
• Take a time-out… 5-30 minutes what ever you need to bring your heart rate down
• During your time out you need to:
o Breathe deeply
o Remind yourself who and whose you are: child of God, warm, loving, caring, compassionate, understanding, not perfect – but not a door mat either
o Remind yourself who the other person is: what are their valuable traits and qualities, why do you love them
o Establish a dialog with God and ask him for insight, wisdom and grace – ask for the words that you speak as well as the emotion, body language and tone of voice to come from Him when you return to discuss the matter further
o Remember that you are not responsible for the other person’s feelings – they are
o Remember there are always at least two sides to any situation and both of you have incomplete information and thus an incomplete understanding.
o Remember you do not want to win at any cost you simply want to be heard and have your position considered – and that is what the other person wants as well – look for the Win-Win solution.
o Trust God and listen carefully – both to God and to the other person
There is a balance between expressing our feelings and at the same time not condemning the other person. Change from a condemning tone and telling the other person what they did wrong to a concerned and compassionate tone, listen to them and affirm the nuggets of truth within their statements, you don’t have to agree with all of what they say but avoid being defensive because that will only escalate the situation. Then when they have run out of steam (calmed down) you can communicate how what they have said or done has affected you and the way you feel – concerned and compassionate – then they will hear you. Seek first to understand and then to be understood!
This is a good place for WWJD.
• Forgive them Father for they know not what they do
• Ask the person to elaborate on what they are feeling to get to the root of the issue
• (the person probably feels threatened, put down, attacked, insecure, jealous, etc.)
• Remember since we are not Jesus that it is possible that it was me who did something wrong or unkind (or at least it was perceived that way) that initiated the other person’s feelings
• It is a test of humility to admit when we have wronged someone else (or even that they perceive that we wronged them – unless that is the way we want to be perceived)
There is no one who does not get angry – there are only those at this end of the balance who demonstrate anger as explosive rage and those at this end who stuff their anger and destroy their physical, emotional and mental health or stuff it until they to explode in rage and of course the range in between.
Balance, time-out, concern and compassion, listening, staying engaged and not getting overwhelmed – these are tall orders for most, if not all, of us but you can master them if you practice them. If you just read this article you will have knowledge – if you practice them until they are second nature then you will have gained wisdom and better relationships with everyone in your life. If you need help in learning to relax, take healthy time-outs or balance please feel free to call me at Jim@AdvancedRelationshipTraining.com.
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